| Summary: | 碩士 === 輔仁大學 === 心理學系 === 104 === In this thesis, I would like to represent my own life story by the method of fiction and narrative which mixes fiction and reality.
The leading role of this fiction, Chen, Mu-Zhen, experienced the trauma of mother’s suicide in junior high school and then dropped out. Later, she joined the exam again and entered star high school and university. She thought she can put her life back on track henceforth, but she searched for religious support to have family warmth and went to a cult, New World Bible Study Association.
After kinds of incredible religious experiences, Mu-Zhen left the cult and turned to an orthodox church. But still, she experienced patriarchal oppression in Ai-Tian Church and left the whole Christian religion. After leaving, she stepped to her new path gradually in the long recovery period: social constructionism, Osho and Lao-Tzu, and from other-discipline to self-discipline. Out of expectation, the painful and restricted religious experiences became the stepping stone to the wider path.
The word “innocence” is borrowed from Osho. This society always puts many kinds of false knowledges into our brains, but Mu-Zhen found in her religious experiences, actually the more one knows, the less one knows instead. Religious leaders think they know the most, but actually they know very few. Getting rid of religions, returning to innocence, becoming oneself, and finding back the inward nature and abilities, is the start of spiritual awareness.
And then Mu-Zhen looked back to her parents. She finally realized deeply her mother’s suffering of suicide through a story of “a poor house” and in her own mental state of suicide idea, and she forgave her mother. She also kissed her father sincerely and made peace with him when she looked her old and ill father lying on bed in sick.
Finally, Mu-Zhen looked her whole life context from a higher point of view. She reorganized her miserable life into a meaningful context. She found the order, meaning and beauty of her life through over and over struggle, thinking, and narration.
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